Dear Xavier - Two Months (Welcome Home Edition)

Dear Xavier,

For weeks, I have been hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers that you would be celebrating your two-month birthday away from the hospital. Thankfully, God is good and answered my prayers. After 60 days in the NICU, you are finally home.

I'll admit that I'm nervous, especially regarding your need for oxygen. After learning how to use the equipment the other day, I have felt very overwhelmed with this added responsibility and how it makes simple things like carrying you up and down our many stairs or even moving you to get your diaper changed quite difficult. Your oxygen concentrator is quite heavy, and there are so many components; and you are just one tiny 'lil guy!

But, after Day One, I feel that even with this added challenge, it is totally worth having you home. Even though we won't be taking any family outings any time soon, except to your various doctor's appointments and your Lola's house, it is totally worth having you home. Despite the fact that we have to be extra careful about washing our hands and staying germ-free around you, it is totally worth having you home.

It was a little sad saying goodbye to all of the good people who have taken care of you for the last two months. The doctors, nurses, and other staff of the NICU have been so wonderful. Even folks who weren't assigned to you have grown quite fond of not just you, but your sister, as well. I had a difficult time writing our thank you note because nothing can express my sincere gratitude for all of them.

Oh, Xavier, I never realized how scary your birthday was for you until I read your discharge papers today. I didn't know that you entered this world not breathing. You needed CPR - 30 chest compressions - immediately. I've always known that you were my little miracle, but I never knew how close we were to losing you before I even got a chance to know you.

And so we celebrate. We had a lovely welcome home dinner with your lolos and lola, and even some special visitors from Michigan. Your Lola Janet and Lolo Ed drove down to see you!

I am pleased to say that even your sister is glad that you are home. After her initial shock of seeing you in the car seat next to her, she has warmed up to your presence and has spent a good chunk of the day giving you kisses and examining your ears, fingers, and toes.

Welcome home, my baby boy. I'm so glad you're here.

Stay healthy and strong.

Love,

Mommy

Mixed Emotions

Assuming the next few days are uneventful, it seems as if Daddy's Big Guy (who, by the way, is a whopping six pounds, three ounces) is coming home this weekend. For real, this time.

And now I'm more nervous than ever.

I always knew that Xavier would be coming home on oxygen. He hasn't spent more than a day or two without that nasal canula, and he's always needed that extra whiff of oxygen...especially during feeds.

However, I never put two and two together to determine WHY he was on oxygen.

Apparently, my lil' guy has chronic lung disease (also known as bronchopulmonary dysplasia or BPD) due to the fact that his lungs are underdeveloped, which is a common problem in preemies. As a result, he is more susceptible to infections, such as RSV...so much so, that he will require monthly injections to ward such infections away. In the meantime, he needs to essentially be "under quarantine" until his lungs develop new tissue, and he gets stronger.

So all that care that we went through to keep things germ-free when Lissie was a newborn? Well, we have to multiply that to the nth degree. Basically, he's never leaving the house. Ever. Especially with flu and cold season around the corner, I have to be even more careful when I bring Lissie to playdates and other outings, so that I can make sure she remains germ-free so as not to pass anything on to her brother.

And I can't help but think that this is not how I envisioned things. At all.

I'm still supposed to be pregnant. 37 weeks. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a healthy newborn, I end up feeling sorry for myself. I didn't intend for my son to be born two and a half months early. I didn't plan on spending the summer in the NICU. I don't want to have to worry about oxygen levels and germs and being scared that he will get sick and end up back in the hospital.

And, with that, while I'm excited for us all to be under one roof, and I'm glad that I don't have to make daily trips to the NICU, and I am soooo grateful that my son is healthy enough to come home, I am also terrified of caring for him without nurses and doctors just a step away. Especially since he is in such a fragile state.

Not to mention Lissie.

Oh, dear. We've started prepping her for The Big Day by placing her baby dolls in places where Xavier will be, such as the swing or the bouncer. Let's just say, she's not exactly graceful.

Plus she has long since associated Xavier with food (since it keeps her quiet and trouble-free long enough for us to feed him ourselves, so she always asks for "'nacks" as soon as she sees him), and I have a feeling she's going to think that she will get to eat a constant feast since he obviously isn't going away. Yikes.

The poor girl has no clue what's about to happen. And part of me is sad that she's no longer going to be the baby in the house anymore. Which is why we had one last Mommy/Lissie day today at the park.

All of our lives are about to change in a drastic way. And I'm excited and terrified and nervous and sad and ecstatic all rolled into one.

I can do this. Right?

8 Weeks and Anxious

Tomorrow marks the 8th week that Xavier's been in the NICU.

And it is wearing me down.

It doesn't help that I've noticed that Xavier's one of the oldest babies in the NICU. All of the babies that were there when he first arrived have long since been discharged. Every time I see yet another baby leave the hospital, I can't help but feel sad. Of course I'm happy that a baby is healthy enough to go home, but I just wish that it was mine.

It doesn't help that last week the doctor told us that he's doing so well that he'd most likely be discharged before week's end. Well, that week has come and gone and we're still there and, apparently, no one wants to tell us another estimate for when we can all go home.

It doesn't help that nurses have said to me, "Wow! He's been here for a long time!" and "You're still here?" I know they don't mean it in a bad way, but it is still disheartening to hear. It's not like I want to still be in the NICU or can help the fact that he's still there.

It doesn't help that the only reason he is still there is that he has regressed with his bottles and is still getting at least a few feedings via tube. I wish so much that there was some way that I could teach him how to do it so that we can just go home already. But, alas, it is a development thing, and he just isn't mature enough to get the concept down.

He can come home when he has had a few days straight when all of his feedings are via bottle or breast. Every time I hear that they had to tube feed him, I just want to cry because I know that it means that we'll be there for at least a few days longer.

Our home is finally ready for him. The crib is set up. His car seat is installed. His clothes are all washed. All we need is him.

All we need is him.

Blessed.

This week marks both Xavier's sixth week and Lissie's seventeenth month since their birth dates.

And, yes, I've said it before, but boy, am I blessed.

I'm blessed with two healthy and beautiful (so what if I'm biased?) children. I'm blessed with a husband who loves all of us and does everything he can to provide and care for us. I'm blessed with parents who live nearby and can dote on their grandchildren and help me adjust to my new life with two little ones.

And I'm blessed with dear, dear friends. Friends who made meals for us while we go back and forth to the NICU. Friends who scheduled playdates with Lissie so that she can still feel a sense of normalcy and so I can spend some time with Xavier without worrying if I'm running out of snacks. Friends who call to cheer me up or just check in to make sure we're doing okay.

Yes, indeed, I am blessed.

An update on Xavier: We're onto his sixth week in the NICU, and what would have been his 35th week of gestation. He is now a whopping five pounds, five ounces. He has outgrown some of his preemie clothes. While he needed a second blood transfusion last week, his red blood count is now back to normal, and he is doing great. He is working really hard to master the sucking reflex so he can take his bottles.

He takes about every other meal with a bottle, while the rest are still tube feedings. It takes him a while to get his bottles down, as he sometimes forgets to breathe and swallow, but he's definitely learning and progressing. Once he gets this skill down, coming home will be right around the corner!

And a Lissie update: Let me just say, I love this age. Lissie is such a silly goofball.

She observes every little thing we do and then mimics it. She has her own "chef's kit" so she can "cook" while I'm cooking.

But my favorite is when she found a bottle of shampoo and was pretending it was lotion:

Lissie is also quite the bookworm. She loves to read in the car.

She loves to check out books at the library.

She loves to take EVERY single book out of her book bin and climb into my lap for a story.

She is also starting to get used to this brother of hers. Her favorite things to do when she visits (aside from eat her snacks and play tag and peekaboo with the wonderful doctors and nurses) are giving her brother kisses and pokes.

It's hard to believe that these two kiddos are mine. How richly am I blessed!

Now we just need for Xavier to come home....fingers crossed that it's soon!