Blessed.

This week marks both Xavier's sixth week and Lissie's seventeenth month since their birth dates.

And, yes, I've said it before, but boy, am I blessed.

I'm blessed with two healthy and beautiful (so what if I'm biased?) children. I'm blessed with a husband who loves all of us and does everything he can to provide and care for us. I'm blessed with parents who live nearby and can dote on their grandchildren and help me adjust to my new life with two little ones.

And I'm blessed with dear, dear friends. Friends who made meals for us while we go back and forth to the NICU. Friends who scheduled playdates with Lissie so that she can still feel a sense of normalcy and so I can spend some time with Xavier without worrying if I'm running out of snacks. Friends who call to cheer me up or just check in to make sure we're doing okay.

Yes, indeed, I am blessed.

An update on Xavier: We're onto his sixth week in the NICU, and what would have been his 35th week of gestation. He is now a whopping five pounds, five ounces. He has outgrown some of his preemie clothes. While he needed a second blood transfusion last week, his red blood count is now back to normal, and he is doing great. He is working really hard to master the sucking reflex so he can take his bottles.

He takes about every other meal with a bottle, while the rest are still tube feedings. It takes him a while to get his bottles down, as he sometimes forgets to breathe and swallow, but he's definitely learning and progressing. Once he gets this skill down, coming home will be right around the corner!

And a Lissie update: Let me just say, I love this age. Lissie is such a silly goofball.

She observes every little thing we do and then mimics it. She has her own "chef's kit" so she can "cook" while I'm cooking.

But my favorite is when she found a bottle of shampoo and was pretending it was lotion:

Lissie is also quite the bookworm. She loves to read in the car.

She loves to check out books at the library.

She loves to take EVERY single book out of her book bin and climb into my lap for a story.

She is also starting to get used to this brother of hers. Her favorite things to do when she visits (aside from eat her snacks and play tag and peekaboo with the wonderful doctors and nurses) are giving her brother kisses and pokes.

It's hard to believe that these two kiddos are mine. How richly am I blessed!

Now we just need for Xavier to come home....fingers crossed that it's soon!

Dear Xavier - One Month

Dear Xavier,

Every time I look at you, I see a miracle. I am in so much awe at the sheer beauty of life. The fact that your tiny (now four pounds, three ounces!) self is supposed to still be growing inside of me at 32 weeks in utero and, yet, despite the circumstances regarding your early arrival, you are thriving, makes me one proud and blessed mama.

Your cute little nose and energetic personality has warmed the hearts of not just your family, but the NICU staff as well. All of the nurses and respiratory therapists just dote on you (and your sister when she visits!), even when they are not your particular caregiver that day. They describe you as "sweet"...until right at the three-hour mark, when somehow you know that it's time for a feeding. That's when you turn into a "spunky" and "wild" baby who somehow manages to move all over your isolette to let everyone know you are hungry. (You must get that from your sister. And daddy.)

Even though your gestational age is just 32 weeks, the staff tells us that you act like a much older preemie. The fact that you know when it's time to eat is just one reason they think so. You are also starting to master the all-important sucking reflex, and it looks like you may be able to start bottle feedings sooner than most babies. You are already off of oxygen and are breathing room air (which makes mommy happy, if only for the reason that she can see your entire sweet face with no canula in the way). And, finally, the bili lights are gone and your blood cell counts are normal, all of which are reasons why they let you "graduate" into the part of the NICU for more stable/less critical care babies.

As far as your sister goes, don't hold it against her that she doesn't like to stay and hang out with you long. She is at the stage where she likes to explore everything, and she gets very upset when she is strapped in her stroller and not allowed to wander the halls of the hospital. She loves visiting you, if only because she knows she gets snacks to help prolong our stay. We practice every day when we are at home to prepare for your arrival with the help of her baby dolls, and while she is still getting the hang of things, we are confident that she will be as ready for you to come home as we are.

We can't wait 'til the day that you do get to come home with us. It will still be a few more weeks, at least, as we are still waiting for you to take your meals solely from bottles, as well as sleep in a regular crib for a few days instead of the isolette. But everyone seems confident that you will get the hang of things sooner rather than later, so hopefully we'll take you home soon. Just continue to grow bigger, develop well, and stay healthy.

We love you.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. You have also captured the hearts of our family and friends. Your godmother threw a celebration for you last weekend in honor of your safe arrival and health. See all the love that there is out there for you? You truly are blessed!

Xavier - Two Week Update

My son is two weeks old today. After a crazy first week, where he underwent phototherapy for jaundice, treatment for a heart murmur, and caffeine therapy for apnea, we had a pretty positive second week. His jaundice bout seemed over, his heart murmur was no longer, he didn't have any more apnea spells, he was increasing his feedings and gaining weight - to a whopping grand total of 3 pounds, 8 ounces!

Justin, Lissie, and I visit Xavier at least once a day - usually in the mornings to correlate with his 11 am feeding and Lissie's prime awake time. During our visits, we are able to hold him for about twenty minutes, take his temperature, change his diaper, and help with his tube feedings. It is the highlight of my day to be with my family of four, even if only for a brief period.

Today, though, we arrived at the hospital and noticed that the bili lights were back. The doctor came and informed us that Xavier's jaundice levels have increased quite a bit and that they wanted to put him back on phototherapy. She said that it was most likely related to breast milk - and that they may take him off of it for a day to see if it was something in the milk that was causing his bilirubin levels to increase. But she also said that she wanted to do bloodwork to rule out any other possibilities. He also had five apnea spells yesterday, to top everything off.

Naturally I felt like crying. One, because after a week of progress, I felt we were taking a million steps back. Two, because I was already having issues with my milk supply and to add the possibility that there might be something "wrong" with the milk, did not make me feel very good. And three, because of the light therapy and the fact that he had a slight temperature, I wasn't able to hold Xavier in my arms when all I wanted to do was give him a big hug and reassure him that he was going to be okay.

This afternoon, while Lissie was napping and after Justin had left for work, I received a scary phone call. I immediately knew it was the hospital, and I answered it with much trepidation. It was the doctor. I knew that this was not going to be good news.

Apparently, Xavier's bili levels were still high, even though they had dropped two points. They were able to rule out breast milk jaundice, but they felt that he may have some sort of viral infection. And then she started speaking in medical terms, and all I heard was "red blood cells" and "is going to need a blood transfusion." Immediately, the tears silently started streaming. I tried my best to stay upbeat, and the doctor was very kind and said that all of these issues are very common in premature babies, and that even though the term "blood transfusion" sounds scary, he was really only receiving one tablespoon of blood (which to me wasn't really reassuring since my baby boy is a tiny guy to begin with). She said that, with my verbal permission, she would go ahead and get started on the transfusion and hopefully by the time we visit tomorrow, she'll have more answers.

When I got off the phone with her, I just started bawling. Not knowing medical anything, I immediately called Justin who called the hospital so he could translate the diagnosis to me in terms I could understand. Of course, I also cried to my mother. Thankfully, Justin talked to the nurse and was able to reassure me that this was, indeed, a common thing in preemies, and that our baby was under the best possible care. My mom, too, reminded me of the power of prayer, and she told me that she would visit my baby since she knew that I wouldn't be able to get down there any more today.

This is, without a doubt, the hardest test of faith that I've ever had. I try so hard to remain upbeat and positive about everything and know that all I can do is trust in God's plan for us, but sometimes all I can do is cry. It doesn't help much that my hormones are still crazy out of whack so the desire to start crying is with me at weird, random moments. I can't even look at a pregnant woman's belly without feeling sadness, anger, and hurt. But at the same time, I'm terrified of going through this again, and the thought of ever being pregnant again makes me feel nauseous.

I feel like I've let Xavier down. I wasn't able to keep him safe in my womb myself, and now he's struggling. I feel like I'm letting Lissie down because even when I'm not at the hospital, I'm constantly wondering how Xavier is doing...on top of not being able to carry her due to doctor's orders. I feel like I've let Justin down because this wasn't our plan at all. And all of it is very overwhelming, even though, I know deep down that my feelings are irrational.

But, as my mom said, all I can do is hope and pray for the best and understand that there is a reason for everything we go through in life.

I'm sure that Xavier would appreciate any spare thoughts and prayers, so if you've got any, please send 'em on over.

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow and more progress instead of setbacks so we can take a healthy baby home soon and fully begin life as a family of four!

Dear Lissie - Big Sister

Dear Lissie,

I haven't done a monthly letter to you since your birthday, but with the recent events that have happened lately, I wanted to make sure that you know that you are still special and very much loved.

Oh, Lissie. We have been slowly bracing you for Big Sister status, which we assumed would take place in September. We bought you some baby dolls, complete with a baby stroller, and you love walking them around your playroom and poking their eyes and feeding them and dropping them on the ground when you have moved on to a new toy.

We have been practicing saying words like "brother" and "Xavier" and "big sister," and you even knew to point and kiss my belly when we ask "Where's your brother?" You may not have really known what that meant, but we were off to a good start.

I also had big hopes for us this summer. We were going to spend the bulk of the time lounging at the pool and playing with your friends, pre-brother. We even had a family vacation planned for later this month, complete with all of your lolos and lola. I also envisioned a "day of Lissie" just before Xavier arrived - where we would do all of your favorite things and eat all of your favorite foods, so you would know how special you are even when your brother arrives.

Well, it turns out God had other plans for us. Now there is only a mere 15 and a half month age difference between you and your brother, something that none of us had even remotely anticipated. Thankfully he is healthy and in good hands in the NICU, and we are just waiting for him to grow stronger and bigger so we can take him home in a few weeks.

I know you don't understand why we go to the hospital every day. And I know you think it is fun to tap on Xavier's incubator and poke his feet when we hold him and you don't understand why mommy tells you not to give him your precious puffs, but I can already see that you have the makings of a Good Big Sister already inside of you.

Because you and your brother are so close in age, everyone tells us that you two will be best buds. You will naturally be protective of him because he is "yours" and you two will eventually have all the fun in the world together. We can't wait to see how your relationship unfolds and develops.

In the meantime, though, I just wanted to make sure you know that we love you, and will always love you, very much.

Congratulations on reaching Big Sister status! We know you'll be awesome at it.

Happy 16 months!

Love always,

Mommy

An Unexpected and Scary Surprise

Last Wednesday, I met with my OB, and she quipped about how she wishes that every patient of hers would have such an easy, uncomplicated pregnancy like mine. I even told her that most of the time I forget that I'm pregnant….that is, until I look at myself in the mirror or feel the baby's rumbles and kicks. Which is why we are all in shock and disbelief by the crazy turn of events that have happened over the last week.

We started the weekend celebrating our anniversary and going on a little babymoon to a fancy-schmancy bed & breakfast, courtesy of my parents. Justin and I quibbled over what activities I could partake in being seven-months pregnant and all, but we compromised and enjoyed a lovely weekend canoeing, leisurely hiking, taking a horse-drawn carriage ride, and (of course) eating like kings and queens! Little did we know that it would also be our very last getaway before our family of three would become a family of four.

Monday afternoon rolls around. Justin left for work, and Lissie was enjoying her nap. All of a sudden I felt my stomach do a crazy turn, and I was keeling over in pain. Not knowing for sure what a contraction was (remember, Lissie was an easy-breezy scheduled c-section, so any contractions I had felt with her were minor), I quickly did some research and decided that I had a bad contraction. Since it was only a single time, there was no need to call the doc. I just laid on my side, drank water, and took a nap myself.

The majority of Tuesday was a typical day for us. In the morning, Justin and I went to the gym while Lissie hung out at the Tot Spot for an hour with her own friends. Justin left for work shortly after lunch, and Lissie and I enjoyed a nice afternoon nap. After dinner, while I was getting ready to clean up after Lissie, I started to feel a similar pain that I had had on Monday. I decided to call my mom to see if she could come over and take care of Lissie for the remainder of the night so I could just rest and feel better. Unfortunately, almost immediately after hanging up with my mom, the pains started getting much worse, and I called Justin at work just to let him know. While I was on the phone with him, I started to feel very sweaty and dizzy and eventually dropped the phone while I keeled over in pain. He got very worried, especially since he could hear Lissie screaming from her high chair in the background, and he decided to go ahead and call an ambulance. I kept on going in and out of consciousness, and I wasn't able to get words out of my mouth to tell him what was happening.

Thankfully, the ambulance and my parents arrived at almost the same time to find an interesting scene: me keeled over in the dining room, sweaty, pale, and unable to talk; a mostly naked Lissie (we had just finished playing outside in her water table before dinner and I didn't bother changing her before a messy meal of spaghetti) crying in her high chair with tomato sauce strewn all over her face, hands, and tray; a barking dog going nuts over what was going on; and piles of dirty laundry all over the kitchen floor, as well as our clean delicates hanging on the stairways to dry. The mean EMTs kept shaking me trying to get me to talk and take deep breaths, but I was unable to really understand and follow their directions because I was feeling so strange. My blood pressure was drastically low at 55/36, while my blood sugar levels were ridiculously high, surpassing the 200 range. I could hear my nurse mother in the background telling them that they needed to hurry and give me oxygen and take me to the hospital where my doctor has rights to deliver instead of the closer hospital that doesn't even have a maternity ward. Because of all of the stairs and baby gates in our house, they couldn't take the stretcher up to get me so I was forced to go down all of our stairs in my dizzy, semi-conscious state. It was only a few days later that I realized that I left without shoes or even any form of identification.

I started to feel better when I got to the ambulance, but I was still feeling intense abdominal pain and was just very, very sleepy. We made it to OB triage, and Justin (who closed down his pharmacy two hours early so he could be with me) arrived shortly thereafter. Luckily, the doctor on-call at my doctor's practice was already at the hospital visiting another patient, and she immediately looked at the scans of the baby's heartrate and knew that something wasn't right. Her best guess, to be later confirmed with an ultrasound, was that there was bleeding in my uterus, most likely due to a weakening of the scars from my fibroid removal surgery last July. Baby Boy needed to be taken out immediately, at just 29 weeks in utero. Needless to say, it was the scariest thing that I had heard. Ever.

Since everything was happening so fast and the risk of a blood transfusion was so high, Justin was unable to be in the surgery room with me this time, and I was going to be under general anesthesia. Luckily, the surgery went well, and Xavier Suarez Yasay was born at 10:09 pm on June 26th, 2012. In the process, though, I did lose a lot of blood and needed four blood transfusions and a couple of plasma infusions, as well.

Afterwards, through talks with both the high-risk OB docs, my regular OB doc, and the doc on-call who performed my c-section, it was determined that the placenta had managed to attach itself on a weakened scar on the lining of my uterus where one of my fibroids was removed. Bleeding was inevitable, due to the stretching of the uterus. It was only a matter of when. The odds of this occurring are excruciatingly rare and virtually undetectable via ultrasound, and nothing that I could have done or did do affected what happened.

I am just eternally grateful that the bleeding started when it did, instead of much earlier in the pregnancy when taking the baby outside of the uterus would have been even more compromising. Even at 29 weeks, the surgery was extremely risky, but it would have been riskier for the two of us if we didn't do anything. I am also very thankful that he was over three pounds at birth, which made the odds of his survival even stronger.

There are so many things that happened over those crazy 24 hours that, looking back, I can't help but see that there's something greater out there really looking out for me and my baby boy. What if I didn't call my mom and tried to take care of Lissie by myself? What if I didn't call Justin and he would've just found me on the floor unconscious when he came home from work at 9:30pm? What if they took me to a different hospital without a maternity ward? The timing of events was absolutely crucial in my situation, and everything had turned out as perfectly as it could have gone. And for that alone, I have much to be grateful for.

Baby Xavier is doing just fine for being such a tiny guy. He was able to get off his ventilator just 48 hours after he was born. He's breathing on his own and is just absolutely perfect in every, albeit tiny, way. He's jaundiced so he is receiving light therapy, but other than that, he is absolutely fine! He is a fighter, for sure, and I have a feeling he's going to be stubborn and strong-willed, just like his mama. He will most likely remain in the NICU until he is 38 weeks, but hopefully we will be able to bring him home even earlier.

I'm doing very well, also. The recovery this time around is much slower, since I lost a lot of blood, but I'm already able to be up and about and taking short walks here and there. I'm unable to carry anything more than a gallon of milk for six weeks, which is going to make it very difficult to take care of Lissie, but we have such a tremendous support system in place, that I have a feeling we'll be able to handle it okay. I wasn't able to see Xavier until the day after he was born, and I still haven't been able to hold more than just a precious little finger, but each time I see him, I know I am witnessing a miracle.

Speaking of Lissie, she's enjoying being spoiled by her Lolo Ernie and Lola Poy. She's sure got them wrapped around her fingertips! She even met her little brother, and she is definitely very apprehensive about this tiny new creature that has invaded our lives. But, apparently, she is determined to live up to being a good big sister because she has since decided that she is too good to be inside a stroller, as she would rather be the one pushing it around!

Justin has been amazing, but that's not really a surprise. He's been so patient and helpful to me while I recover, and you can just see the pure joy on his face when he sees his baby boy. He was even able to carry him for a brief moment, while he helped the nurse change his bedding!

I've seen more than my share of fantastic doctors, nurses, and technicians over the course of the last few days. It is so humbling to have them check in on me and Xavier and hear how worried they were for us and how amazed they are at the speediness of both of our recoveries. Every time I see the look on their faces when they see me and how impressed they are that I am walking and he is breathing on his own, just a few short days after what we went through, it makes me say a prayer of thanksgiving for all of those angels out there who made this experience one that Xavier and I can live to tell. We are blessed. There is no doubt about that. Of course, thoughts and prayers are still very much encouraged! We can feel the effects of all of your prayers day in and day out. Thank you. From the bottom of our hearts.

Father's Day 2012 and Lissie's First Sickness

On Friday, after a fun morning spent shopping, it was obvious that Lissie wasn't feeling like her typical happy self. She was flushed and fussy and she didn't even want to eat her favorite foods (blackberries and grilled cheese).

Despite being married to a pharmacist, we had no working thermometer in the house, so I was unable to take her temperature to confirm my suspicions that my baby girl had her first ever fever.

She slept well that night, so I thought that her little spell was short-lived, but she woke up very cranky and when I took her temperature with our fancy new thermometer that daddy brought home from work, we realized that she was, indeed, sick. She spent most of Saturday crying uncontrollably, which made me sad and worried and frustrated as I kept wishing that I could understand what was wrong since she couldn't communicate with words. Thankfully, even though Justin was working, my mom was able to come over and help take care of sweet, sick Lissie. In between bouts of wailing and refusing to eat, she managed to rest a little (albeit in our arms) and even watched her first ever TV shows (Sesame Street, by the way, is still very cool).

Just before Justin came home from work, it was like a switch had been flipped. Lissie went from being a sad, miserable tot to being a giggly, smiley gal who was actually starting to eat and drink a little bit and show interest in her toys. She definitely wasn't back to her normal self, but things were looking to be on the mend.

Fast forward to Father's Day. Lissie woke up relatively early at 6am, so Justin and I decided that we'd go ahead and go to Mass at 7:30am. Unfortunately, Lissie had other plans. Her fever was back, and she had become a huge clingy crankster. She didn't even want to be held by her daddy, which made him sad, especially since it was his special day.

After a morning nap, though, Lissie's fever was gone so we decided to bring daddy some lunch at work. She may not have been fussy, but she definitely wasn't very happy and looked absolutely miserable and sad almost the entire time we were there. Poor Justin.

She wasn't her bubbly self by the evening, either, but we still went ahead and had the grandparents come over for a special Father's Day dinner. She managed to eat and drink and play for a bit, but it was obvious to everyone that she still wasn't feeling 100% better.

Today marks her first fever free day, yet she's still not eating and wanting to play. I'm sure she has cabin fever like me, so we've already spent some time outside playing with our water table and some finger paints.

I was getting excited because she looked like she was eating some more, but it turns out that she was just having fun feeding Rupert through the baby gates.

Sigh. At least she was amusing herself, I guess.

She's napping now, which I'm grateful for. Hopefully when she wakes up she'll continue to be on the mend.

I'm also grateful that we've managed to go over fifteen months without any sort of illness. I always knew that she'd get sick one day, but I'm glad it looks like it's nothing terribly serious and nothing I need to call the doc for. I'm also VERY thankful that my mom was here to help. Lissie, for sure, is loved. And we all want her to get better. ASAP.

Happy Father's Day to daddy and the lolos. Sorry Lissie wasn't her normal self, but be rest assured that she loves you all very VERY much.