Friday, October 26, 2012

Dear Xavier - Four Months

Dear Xavier,

Happy four months! Today also marks the day that you've been home longer than you've been in the NICU! I count my blessings all the time that you are home with us, growing stronger and healthier every day.

You're starting to wean off of oxygen, which hopefully means that by the end of the year we'll get to see your cute face sans cannula all the time! You got discharged from hematology, which means that the blood transfusions you received from the hospital did their jobs well and you're doing great! Your PDA in your heart is still open, but the cardiologist is confident that it will close on its own, but even if it doesn't, it isn't hindering your growth or development and she will do a simple procedure to close it herself when you are older.

And, of course, you're getting oh.so.BIG - 10 pounds, four ounces! It's hard to believe that four months ago you were my teeny tiny three pound preemie, especially when I nibble at your cheeks that rival Lissie's in chubbiness!

You still don't get out a lot, but you manage to still have fun. You love it when your sister shows you how to play with her toys, even though she sometimes gets frustrated with you that you don't really play with her so well yet.

You also love it when Lola comes over because she spoils you with clothes and lets you nap with her.

One of your favorite things is getting cozy in the Moby or stroller and going out for walks and basking in the beautiful fall weather.

I really think you're just glad to be home.

And, of course, we're glad you're here.

I love you. So much.

Love,

Mommy

Here are some pictures we took this month:

Your sister tried to change your diaper.
This time she was a tad bit more successful.
She also wanted to brush your hair.
If this is the face of a criminal mastermind, we are all doomed.
Sweet, sweet sleeping baby smiles.
Truly our miracle baby.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

2u2 - A Reflection

Today Lissie turns 19 months old. Which makes today an appropriate time to reflect on life with two children under the age of two years old.

Before X was born, I honestly thought that having two kids so close together would be such a piece of cake. Lissie has always been a relatively easy baby. Sure, she gets fussy and has her moments, but I always know what's the matter - whether it be teething or hunger or tiredness. So adding another would be easy-breasy, right?

And, in general, I absolutely love that they are just 15 months apart. The sweet moments that they've already shared melt my heart away. For the most part, Lissie loves to "help" with X. She gives him his paci (even though it's backwards) when he fusses, she offers him diapers, she waves toys in front of his face, and she loves to lay next to him and give him the best slobbery kisses ever. She even leaves him presents while he is sleeping.

But then there are the times when I just want to tear my hair out and cry. The days when I count the minutes until Justin gets home. The moments when I cross my fingers that they will both take a nap so that I can have at least a tiny bit of respite.

And so I've narrowed it down as to why I feel this way.

Firstly, while Lissie has been an easy baby, she never had to share our attention. And when she wants it, she wants it. Her first full-blown tantrum occurred shortly after X came home. It doesn't help that Justin and I are both only children, so we feel her pain. I've shed many a tear apologizing to Lissie because I feel bad that she doesn't have us all to herself anymore. She can't help that she wants us to play with her, and I feel bad when I can't because I have to tend to her brother instead.

Secondly, while Lissie has started to increase her vocabulary and can understand a lot of what we say, it is still very difficult (impossible, perhaps) to rationalize with a 19-month old. "Lissie, your crying and screaming in front of your brother will only prolong the amount of time it takes for him to take a nap and for me to play with you." Yeah, that doesn't cut it. No matter how many times I try.

Thirdly, since X is still on oxygen, he's essentially "tethered" to one corner of the house unless I feel brave enough to take him off oxygen for a little while. Because he is primarily staying in one spot, both Lissie and I have been getting a little stir crazy with cabin fever. And, even if he is allowed to wean off oxygen soon, we are right in the midst of flu/cold/RSV season and every bit of research I've read says that we need to stay under quarantine until April. I sometimes get lax and let a friend come over so that Lissie can have some playtime, but I have a feeling that I'm going to have to put a stop to that in the next few weeks just to ensure the safety of my son because if he gets sick, it pretty much means an automatic trip back to the hospital. And then I feel bad because, while I want to do everything I can to protect him, Lissie ends up bearing the brunt of it by having to be under quarantine, too, even though she's perfectly healthy.

Fourthly, the exhaustion. Lissie started sleeping through the night pretty early on, so I was able to get my sleep to handle each day. However, X needs to eat every 3 hours and, because he is under fluid restrictions due to his chronic lung disease, he needs to take bottles so I know exactly how much milk he takes in. As such, I'm up every 3 hours to not only feed him, but to pump as well. The first few weeks wasn't so bad, but as time has gone on, the lack of sleep is starting to get to me.

But, alas, every time I complain, I always have to remind myself that I should just be happy that I have something to complain about. X is healthy. X is home. Lissie really is a wonderful big sister. She just can't help the fact that she's only 19-months old and needs some mommy love, too.

I just have to keep reminding myself that very soon this phase will be over and, just as we already do when we look back on the early months of Lissie's life, we will laugh. And so I choose to just cherish. Savor the sweet and remember that everything else will pass before I know it. Because, really, I am truly blessed.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Xavier - Three Months

Dear Xavier,

Happy Three Months, Buddy! You're growing so well - over 8 pounds now. You're still on oxygen, but hopefully (God-willing) only for another few weeks when we go back to the pulmonologist, since you're doing so well.

You've adjusted to life at home, it seems. You continue to take everything in with your expressive dark eyes. You're getting used to your sister's "helpful" ways. You enjoy the times when I get brave enough to let you off oxygen so that we can take Rupert for a quick walk or let Lissie enjoy some time outside.

And we love having you home. Sure, sometimes you and your sister drive me crazy when you both demand my attention at the Exact.Same.Time, but all the sweet moments you two share make it all worth it.

This next month is full of doctor's visits with your many specialists, and we are praying that they will all say that you're doing so well that we will be discharged from their services.

We're heading into flu/cold/RSV season, and it is starting to scare me. I promise to do all that I can to protect you from harm.

I love you, little guy. Stay strong and healthy.

Love,

Mommy

Sunday, September 23, 2012

A Happy 32

Yesterday I celebrated my 32nd birthday.

It was probably the lowest-key birthday ever, and I am absolutely okay with that. Justin had to work, so we celebrated together last weekend with a much needed date night and ended with him going to an urgent care clinic for treatment for MRSA (don't worry - he's fine now). On my actual birthday, the two kiddos were as marvelous as ever...and even synchronized their nap schedules (a much surprising rarity, given that Xavier sleeps almost all.the.time) so that I could have a moment of peace (which was happily spent cleaning and organizing). My parents came in the afternoon so that I could run errands and make it to Mass before a scrumptious dinner of pancit, ribs, egg rolls, and (as per tradition) ice cream cake for dessert. Thanks, mom!

For the first time ever, I don't think I took a single picture of my birthday celebrations. So, instead, I'm including some pics from our latest family photo/Xavier's newborn/Lissie's 18-month photography session. Because, really, that was the best gift.

The gift of my family all under one roof.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Dear Lissie - A Year and a Half

Dear Lissie,

18 months already?!? It's hard to believe that you're now inching closer to two than you were to one. I've even started doing some research in where we can have your second birthday party. It's not too early to start planning, right?

In the last six months, you have grown so much. Daddy and I can't believe how much of a "kid" you are, and how the "baby" in you is starting to fade away.

You toddle around all over the place and are curious about everything. Your vocabulary has increased, and you understand a lot more than we want to believe. And you've become a wonderful big sister and an excellent mommy's helper.

In fact, when Lola was taking care of you and your brother yesterday, she had to tend to a fussing Xavier. You tugged on her pants, and Lola was going to tell you to wait and be patient, until she looked down and saw that you were holding up one of Xavier's diapers as if to say, "Here - this might help him stop crying." It made my heart melt to hear that you wanted to help your Lola and brother.

I'll admit that I was worried when we brought Xavier home a few weeks ago because I didn't know how you would react to the new baby. Especially since your reaction when we placed him in the car seat next to you was less than thrilled.

But I couldn't have asked for anything better. You've been so good to him and patient with me. Sure, when you were sick last week you wanted my attention a little bit more, but overall, you seem to really understand what it means to be a good big sister. Thank you, sweet girl, for being so caring.

I am truly blessed to be able to stay at home to watch you grow, learn, and discover. You can identify several body parts. You love to pretend play. You enjoy coloring and playing with play-do. You love building things with your blocks and then making them go "boom." You've mastered your shape sorter and stacking toys.

Happy half birthday. I can't wait to see what you're going to be up to next. I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Happy "birthday," Xavier!

My trusty Cozi calendar informed me that today is Baby #2's birthday. I had programmed the event way back when I thought we were having a scheduled C-section, and I never changed it after Xavier was born. At first, I was confused when I saw the event alarm because I thought someone was playing a weird joke on me. Then, when I realized what today was, it made me a bit sad since, if Xavier had been born as planned, things would have been so different. We wouldn't be off to constant doctor's appointments and worried about his continued health and growth or making sure that everyone who we encounter hasn't been sick or smell of smoke. But, alas, he is over two months old now, and I am just happy that he is home with us and doing well.

When Lissie was born, she gave her version of her birth story. So, today, on what would have been Xavier's birthday, I present….

Xavier's Birth Story, as told by Xavier.

I was really comfortable in my uterine hotel. I loved to do flips and kicks to make sure my mommy knew that I was having a blast in my temporary home. I was looking forward to growing and developing for another couple of months before seeing my family face-to-face.

But something really strange happened right before I was born.

Things just didn't seem right. Something must have been going on outside. Mommy didn't seem to be feeling well and, as a result, I started to not feel well, either. I could hear lots of voices - people telling mommy to breathe and wake up - and I kept hoping she would listen to them because if she was okay, then that would mean that I'd be okay, too. Soon we got whisked away in a car that made loud siren noises, and mommy was trying very hard to explain to the man that she was feeling weird stomach pains - contractions, perhaps- and that it was difficult for her to stay awake. They kept poking and prodding her so that she wouldn't go to sleep, and that got really uncomfortable for me, too.

Soon enough, they wheeled us into a different place where even more people were coming up to mommy, trying to make her feel better. They hooked her up to a machine so that they could feel me and see how I was doing. I tried my best to do well, but I must not have done a very good job because the doctor told mommy that she was bleeding in her uterus and, as a result, I was not in good shape. They needed to do an emergency C-section to save both mommy and me.

I was scared. I still had two and a half more months left in my cozy home, and I wasn't sure if I had what it takes to survive in the outside world yet. I know mommy was scared, too. She kept crying and trying to convince the doctors and daddy that she was actually okay and was ready to go home. She didn't want to hear about the possible need for transfusions or that the staff in the NICU was excellent and would provide me with the best care.

Soon enough, though, mommy had to say a tear-filled good bye to daddy and was taken to a special room to get ready for surgery. Because of the suddenness and severity of the situation, she needed general anesthesia, which meant that a few moments later, when I first made my appearance, she wasn't able to see me and say hello. In fact, I was so startled by how fast everything was happening, that I totally forgot that I need to breathe when I enter the Outside World. The doctor had to perform CPR before I finally figured out how to breathe on my own. I don't think I did it well, though, because they immediately intubated me, inserted a ventilator, performed all sorts of tests, and hooked me up to all sorts of things to help me function outside of mommy's safe womb.

I'll admit that those first few hours were very scary for me. I was being poked and prodded by so many people, none of whom were my mommy and daddy. After five hours or so, though, daddy was able to come in and check on me. He took pictures to show mommy because she was still recovering in SICU and wasn't able to visit just yet. In fact, over an entire day had passed before I was able to see and hear mommy. It was such a relief to see her that I didn't want to let her go.

I had to stay in the place they called the NICU for two months. Even though I wanted to go home when Mommy went home a week after my birthday, she told me that it was for the best that I stay in the hospital so I can learn all of the things that I would have learned inside. I had a few scary moments - when I was placed under the bili lights for days on end; when I had my two blood transfusions; when they gave me medication to close the fetal hole in my heart; when I had apnea spells and needed caffeine boosts to make them go away - but, overall, it was time well spent. I learned how to function on mostly room air (although I still need a little bit of oxygen while at home), sleep in a crib (something that took my big sister MONTHS to do), and take bottles (which was really hard for me at first, but once my sucking reflex fully developed, I could eat like a champ). It also gave my sister some time to get used to my presence, as well as for mommy to recover completely before taking full care of two children under two years old.

Now I'm home. And I'm loving it. Lissie is a wonderful big sister. She likes to give me kisses and tickle my toes and fingers. She also tries to feed me cupcakes from her cupcake kitchen and, even though I think it's fun, mommy tells her not to. She makes sure mommy and daddy know when I'm crying, and she giggles with glee when she sees me first thing in the morning.

Mommy and daddy are enjoying having me home, too. They had forgotten how much newborns sleep, and they call me an "easy baby" - much easier than my sister, even. I guess it helps that in the NICU I had to get used to sleeping with lots of lights and noise, so I can sleep pretty much anywhere. Occasionally, I'll make them work hard - like when I made daddy hold me the entire time my sister's godmother and husband visited or the time when it took two changes of clothes and several diapers before I was finally clean enough to be put back in my crib - but, overall, it's been great. I do have lots of doctors' visits on the schedule for the next few months, just to make sure I'm growing and developing well. But fingers crossed, I'm right on schedule and can hopefully be rid of the extra oxygen soon.

So that's my story so far. Even though I made my appearance ahead of schedule and threw my parents for a ginormous loop, I'm a big fighter, despite my small size. And I'm very much loved. And that's really all that matters.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Dear Xavier - Two Months (Welcome Home Edition)

Dear Xavier,

For weeks, I have been hoping, praying, and crossing my fingers that you would be celebrating your two-month birthday away from the hospital. Thankfully, God is good and answered my prayers. After 60 days in the NICU, you are finally home.

I'll admit that I'm nervous, especially regarding your need for oxygen. After learning how to use the equipment the other day, I have felt very overwhelmed with this added responsibility and how it makes simple things like carrying you up and down our many stairs or even moving you to get your diaper changed quite difficult. Your oxygen concentrator is quite heavy, and there are so many components; and you are just one tiny 'lil guy!

But, after Day One, I feel that even with this added challenge, it is totally worth having you home. Even though we won't be taking any family outings any time soon, except to your various doctor's appointments and your Lola's house, it is totally worth having you home. Despite the fact that we have to be extra careful about washing our hands and staying germ-free around you, it is totally worth having you home.

It was a little sad saying goodbye to all of the good people who have taken care of you for the last two months. The doctors, nurses, and other staff of the NICU have been so wonderful. Even folks who weren't assigned to you have grown quite fond of not just you, but your sister, as well. I had a difficult time writing our thank you note because nothing can express my sincere gratitude for all of them.

Oh, Xavier, I never realized how scary your birthday was for you until I read your discharge papers today. I didn't know that you entered this world not breathing. You needed CPR - 30 chest compressions - immediately. I've always known that you were my little miracle, but I never knew how close we were to losing you before I even got a chance to know you.

And so we celebrate. We had a lovely welcome home dinner with your lolos and lola, and even some special visitors from Michigan. Your Lola Janet and Lolo Ed drove down to see you!

I am pleased to say that even your sister is glad that you are home. After her initial shock of seeing you in the car seat next to her, she has warmed up to your presence and has spent a good chunk of the day giving you kisses and examining your ears, fingers, and toes.

Welcome home, my baby boy. I'm so glad you're here.

Stay healthy and strong.

Love,

Mommy

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